10-11-04

I must preface this article by stating I do believe in God, and I will go as far as saying I think there are some good churches out there. That being said, brace yourselves for this unbelievable, but true account of my experience with a particular church.

I began attending a "Foursquare" church in 2000. At first things seemed really good. Terrific sermons , good worship songs and nice people. This was the kind of church that raises their hands and says "Amen" after everything. They spoke in tongues freely and frequently at this new church. I was not used to this type of open worship and I sure as shit had never witnessed someone speaking in tongues. I thought it was creepy at the time, but I learned to accept it and actually amused myself by staring at the folks who spoke their jibberish.

After awhile, the amusement wore off and I began to notice how phony the whole thing was. They actually had to make up nonsense words and babble aimlessly. What motivated them to speak in tongues, or should I say, fake a bunch of mumbo jumbo bullshit? I figured it was not my place to point out the "fakers", I'd let God do that job, but I did ask about it. I approached the Pastor of this church with the issue, and despite the fact he agreed with me, I continued to attend. In fact, I did more than attend. No, I did not start speaking in tongues, as fun as that might be. Instead, I dug my heels in and became a Leader for the Youth Group. I planned events, counselled youth and participated fully. I became somewhat of a celebrity amongst the teenage population in my small town. They'd scream my name and run up to hug me. I felt I was making a difference. This is where it all started.

I made the mistake of sharing my incredibly brilliant ideas and friendship with the Youth Pastor (who happened to be the Pastor's wife). We had actually become very good friends, or so I thought. I was in pretty deep with this church, the Pastor's and the congregation. So deep in fact, I never saw it coming.

It all started at one particular leadership meeting. The week's sermon was going to be about "What happens when you stray from God". The Youth Pastor(let's refer to her as Wilma) began to explain how she planned on getting this point across to the kids. Wilma explained that we resemble a fish out of water when we stray from God. Her plan would be to purchase a goldfish and proceed to take the goldfish out of the water, let it flop around around the floor for a bit, and then put it back. This was to be the visual enhancement to her sermon. I interrupted immediately and asked "Is this really necessary? Do we really need the goldfish? Because I think it's totally unnecessary. And what will happen to the goldfish when you're done?". My protest was acknowledged with laughter and accusations of me being a member of PETA. Not only did Wilma laugh and make fun of me, but the whole friggin leadership team did. I wanted to remain the "good Christian", so I elected, at that point, to keep my mouth shut. This would prevent me from saying "bad words" and beating the shit out of people, because that's not very Christian like.

I approached Wilma seperately to voice my concerns and discomfort with the goldfish thing. I explained that I have goldfish, and I do not think it is necessary to provide the visual of letting one struggle for it's life just to prove a point. Maybe a verbal explanation such as, "What happens if a fish is taken out of the water?". Could we try this approach instead? My suggestion was not received well. How dare I question her authority! I was ridiculed for my suggestion and told she was not changing her plan. This was the only way and after all, it was just a meaningless goldfish. I felt the anger rising rapidly within me and tried desperately not to flip out. So I said very nicely, "OK then, I appreciate you taking the time to discuss this with me, and should you decide to procede wth torturing the goldfish, I am letting you know that I will be unable to attend that Youth Group Session".

I received more bashing and name calling and felt just a little bit shocked by it all. I was then accused of putting God's creatures before his children . Me? The one who had worked with youth for years? What a crock of crap! All of a sudden I was the bad guy. I mean how dare I become the advocate for a little meaningless goldfish? Meaningless? Didn't God create this creature? Were we going to consume this fish to nourish our bodies? I had a ton of remarks, but knew this was going nowhere fast, and no one had the balls to back me. I stopped arguing and decided to leave. I would stick by my guns and not attend that fateful night. My absence would say enough. If adults wished to make fun of me, then so be it. I would not resort to reciprocating. It soon became a matter of principle .The fact that I was uncomfortable with something, and made fun of in church of all places, fueled me even further to stand my ground. I fear no one and refused to be bullied by a bunch of spineless, bible thumpers. Jenn would not be present the next night.

The day came for the poor goldfish to be put through hell at church. Ironic ain't it? I received a phone call from Wilma asking if I would be there. When I told her I would not be there, she wigged out on me. I am talking full blown shit fit. All of a sudden the nice preacher's wife was screaming at the top of her lungs accusing me of being a witch, animal worshipper, freak of nature and let's not forget that I needed a shrink to evaluate my unreasonable behavior. What the?!?! Is she joking? I learned now, why no one ever questioned her. But I did, and I wasn't backing down. I did not give a flying fricken frack what she called me, or what she accused me of. She was the one who was going to punish one of God's creatures while trying to spread His word and I was having nothig to do with it.

The conversation was getting heated when I remembered an old trick my aunt taught me. My aunt was a psychiatric nurse for 25yrs. Just keep repeating your point calmly. So I did. I kept saying "I do not believe God wants that goldfish to be hurt in order to spread His word . I will not participate in this type of behavior." This made her crazy. I actually started finding humor in her balistic rampage .I eventually got bored and hung up on her while she was still screaming at me.

I stood there, jaw hitting the floor, shocked by what had just happened. I was flabergasted, gobsmacked. Did I really get bitched out and called a satan worshipping bitch because I was sticking up for the goldfish? Holy Bad Preacher's Wife Batman!

Apparently word got around town about the goldfish because about 25 of the kids refused to show up . Of course I was accused of telling them not to go, but honestly, I never said a word about it to anyone. Heck I didn't have time to campaign for the goldfish, I was too busy defending myself! It was their choice, just like God is. God is about freewill. I was excercising my freewill, as were these kids.

I got more phone calls from various leaders all stating how they thought I was joking and couldn't possibly be serious. I was asked repeatedly if I was going to attend. They seemed shocked by my refusal. Apparently she was still planning to use the goldfish as part of her show, but only let it flop for 30 seconds. I said let someone hold your head underwater for 30seconds and let them tell you how long 30 seconds is. That comment would be repeated and altered severely by many of my so called brothers and sisters in Christ.

The next day Wilma called and apologized, she patronizingly said she had no idea I felt so strongly for goldfish. Hmmmph. That's not an apology. That's being told from your superiors you must make ammends or you're in big trouble. I did the best I could to forgive her and made the effort to let it go and proceed with my duties as a leader. I told myself everyone screws up. I felt my point had been made and it was time to move on.

About 3 months later I decided that torturing goldfish, and attacking your peers over their beliefs was wrong. Not to mention the gossip. I went to the Pastor and explained I would be leaving the church. No hard feelings, just time to move on. Everything was cool, or so I thought. I didn't even mention my reasons, I did everything by the book. The goldfish and I would soon become the talk of the town, or shoud I say whispers and backstabbing slander.

I have never really cared what people thought or said about me in the past, because I have always been confident in who I am.The gossip would soon be spreading like a wildfire and it was going to be said that I was not of God. The evil goldfish was Satan and had recruited me to it's side. I think I can handle just about anything, but the fact my faith was being questioned, hurt.

Within days of my leaving the church, I noticed the kids who once hugged me and screamed my name, were now avoiding me. The members who once stopped me in the street or in the grocery store were now avoiding me like a leper. I had become Jezebel. I was quite aware that I lived in a small town, but I was almost positive it was indeed a town and not the set of a soap opera. People avoided me for almost 3 years. I constantly heard rumors I was on medication(for mental illness), that I was involved in some sort of withcraft and a lot of other bizarre shit. Was this really happening to me? Was i really being persecuted for defending a goldfish? Or was it because I challenged church authority? Who knows.

One day however, like the spell had been magically lifted, everyone started waving and saying hello again. The kids were approaching me and even hugging me! What was going on? For almost 3 years people acted as if I were invisible, and now suddenly I was visible again. I still have no idea why people are being nice to me again . Did they hold a secret meeting and decide I had served my sentence and I was now eligible for parole? Am I to pretend nothing ever happened?

I am polite, as always, but I will never truly trust any of them. I feel sorry for them. They are like machines, following orders, pretending to be something they are not. Forbidden to associate with the freak, they are Christian hypocrites in it's finest glory. I cannot believe that one little goldfish could have such an enormous impact on my life, but it did, and I am grateful. In fact, I believe that particular goldfish saved my life from future misery. It saved me from getting deeper into the pit that effortlessly cast me out. I am not a member of PETA, nor do I practice withcraft. I do believe in God, and I do love and respect all His creatures big and small. If God wishes to punish me for protecting His creatures, then so be it.

The goldfish taught me that people who claim to be kind, can be the most cruel. Especially Christians. I learned that a church can behave like a corporation and steal all your ideas, take credit for them and then destroy your reputation. I questioned myself a lot during those 3 years, wondering if I had gone too far to protect the goldfish.

I asked God constantly if my banishment from society was his way or their way. Was it all worth it in the end? Was I right in not giving in? I knew I was right. Had I done anything different, it would mean I did not believe in myself or my God. The phrase that comes to mind is "Believe in something, or you'll fall for anything". I am blessed with family and friends who love and understand who I am. These are the people who count, not a church body trying to impress the Pastor. God knows I am not perfect, and He knows I try to live my life the best I can. So when people refer to the goldfish as the "meaningless goldfish", I tell them that goldfish brought out the true colors in people I knew and showed me I could trust none of them. It was never just a "meaningless goldfish" and if given the chance, maybe it was the one who was capable of speaking in tongues and I would be the one to translate. Maybe it already did.