02-14-05

“Hi my name is Cookie, do I look fat in this?” Is the first question that I expected to come out of her over made up face. Lucky for me I was way off, what actually came out was this, “I forgot to charge my cell phone. Can we wait like 20 minutes before we go… you know… so it can charge?”

Talk about setting a tone for a date huh? It was at that moment that I knew she was what I call an expensive date; not like an expensive date I am paying for sex with, I mean like she wants to eat at the Ritz and see three movies without theatre hopping.

I guess I should back up a bit here for you. See I don’t normally go on blind dates; I always figured that going on a blind date meant that Roder Lodge would critique me and thought bubbles I didn’t think would pop up all around me. For that reason I just never really wanted to go on one until my friend, who remain nameless, and by nameless I mean her name is Angie and she has bad hair and worse judgment set me up on one.

I don’t claim to be a very smart man, hell I don’t even know if I can claim to be a man half the time, but when my dates I.Q. is about the same as her dress size it’s kind of hard to stay on the same level. I thought about cutting off half my penis, getting a large truck, taking up smoking and wearing a mesh truckers hat sideways, but instead I decided to take her on the cheapest date I could and see if I could still get laid (risking the herpes would be worth it).

The key to keeping a date cheap is to always be in control. Most of the time women can’t choose between a regular tampon or a super, this is why they like it when you make decisions for them; so I punched her in the face and kicked her vagina…see that’s a joke.

Now when my date, whom will actually remain nameless unlike Angie the sea wench, got into the car, I pretty much yelled in an awkward step-dad kind of way “I have made plans for us already, I know you will love them!” Now yes I know that sounds awkward and frightens even me, but it had to be said… it had to be done. I was glad to hear that her cell phone shouted the date and time at me every time she got a text, albeit annoying, I learned of what special day it was… Tuesday. For dinner we ate at Taco Mesa: damn good expensive looking food at dirt cheap Taco Tuesday prices, which is a dollar a taco. I told my date to sit down and that I would order for us because I had been to Spain and I knew how to handle people like this (she thought I was so brave). Needless to say I ordered the tacos for us and got two waters, and well… one of us liked the tacos; I just told her that those savages hate us because we destroyed their hometown in the great war of 405 A.C.

Wishing that dinner had taken up three hours, I was let down to hear her phone shout at me that it had only been a half an hour. I knew I had to take her somewhere else, but where? Not wanting to drive too far, but still wanting to get some sex I decided to take her to the new sports park built over by El Modena, gualdalahhjjdkajkbnmas or whatever it’s called. Before we had arrived there I told her that a few of my friends would be there, but I’m not allowed to talk to them because we planned a jail break together a few years back and the courts won’t let us talk. When we got there my friends happened to be a big group of Mexicans playing soccer. After about 45 minutes of calling the darkest Mexicans I have ever seen, Brian, Tim and Frank I decided it was time to go back to my place.

To save myself the embarrassment of the rest of the story I will just tell you that unfortunately I do not have hot dumb girl blind date herpes, but I did manage to go on a whole date with her and only spend 4.34$. I also got to see some sweet tits waiting outside her apartment window with my enhanced spectacles.