12-01-04

I've been thinking about the lives of early Native Americans (from now on, called Indians), and I've determined that God must have really liked them. He made North America just about the best damn place to live, not for its climate, or for its land, but for its animals. Throughout history, the animals in North America have been way more suited to getting owned by humans than anywhere else. The Indians were truly blessed by God…until they pissed Him off and He sent the Europeans to do some ass kicking.

First think, way back in the Ice Age, what was the most delicious animal around? The wooly mammoth, right? They were enormous. The size of Indian elephants, which are, granted, smaller than African elephants. They had lots and lots of meat for a tribe of cavemen to gather around and share. Now, do you remember how cavemen killed these things? During the Ice Age, the only weapons cavemen had were pointed sticks, which, as you might guess, would do jack shit against something that's eight feet tall and weighs six tons. But wooly mammoths were stupid; when a bunch of little guys with pointy sticks charged them, they turned and ran away. Eventually, the cavemen would chase the mammoth to the edge of a cliff. At that point, anyone with any intelligence would think, "Hey, I'm a gigantic-ass monster, I should turn around and just trample the living hell out of these cavemen." Instead, the mammoths would just run off the cliff, fall, and die.

After the Ice Age passed and homo sapiens evolved, what was the most delicious taste treat on the plains of North America? The American bison, of course. Now, God was really nice when He designed these. They're one to two thousand pounds of tenderloin, with a relatively low running speed and incredibly near sighted vision. Added to this, their eyes are on the sides of their heads, which means they can't see what's right in front of them. Naturally, this makes them a little skittish, so when something attacks them, they try and turn to the side so they can see the predator. The result was that when little men with pointy sticks came after these giant Patty Melts, the bison would start running and turn to the side to see the little men who couldn't possibly be a threat to them. This would result in the bison running in a big goddamn circle while the little men would shoot pointy sticks until the bison fell down.

It's not just the delicious animals of North America that served the Indians, it's also the predators. The fiercest predator in Africa is the African lion; in Asia, it's the Siberian tiger; Australia has packs of vicious dingoes; while the seas are ruled by great white sharks and killer whales. The prime predator, top of the food chain, fuck you up so hard you won't even believe it animal of North America was, without a doubt, the grizzly bear. In case you've never seen a grizzly, let me tell you, these bastards are huge. They're muscle, claws, and digestive system. They're Winnie the Pooh to the hundredth power. These things can reach fifteen hundred pounds and run thirty five miles an hour. These are definitely the shit your pants kind of predator. But, do you know how you're supposed to avoid certain death at the claws of these monstrosities? Just stand there. Don't move, don't flinch, don't say anything, just stand there. The bear will think you're not afraid of it, assume you can back up your stand, and (supposedly) leave you alone. I don't know if this works, but that's what the Discovery Channel said. If the biggest, baddest predator in North America can be psyched out that easily, can you really say it was a dangerous place to live?

This all goes along with a new theory I've developed: early man wasn't all that smart; it's just that animals are really stupid. The Indians had it great until the whiteys showed up: huge hamburgers that ran in circles and enormous monsters that could be scared away by saying "Shoo, bear, shoo." I think the Europeans had the wrong idea. We should all be living like the Indians, getting our eat on from the gargantuan sides of beef that wander blithely past us, content in the knowledge that huge bears are easily frightened off by just standing in place.