9-06-04

In case you're thinking of taking a trip to merry old England, I've compiled a list of things you can do to make your stay more enjoyable. You're welcome.

In November, make a big deal out of celebrating Thanksgiving, and make sure to ask everyone what they're doing for the holiday. If they say they don't celebrate it, act shocked and insulted.

In July, celebrate the Fourth of July by dancing drunk in your front yard. Remind all passersby that "this is a celebration of the anniversary of when my country kicked your country's ass."

Ask someone to turn on the football game on TV. If they turn on American football, demand that they change it to soccer. If they turn on soccer, scoff and say, "No, I mean FOOTBALL."

If you meet a well-spoken Londoner, act like you can't understand him through his accent.

Tell people you think Sean Connery is the greatest living English actor. If they say he's not English, act offended and walk away.

Tell everyone how much you miss John Major.

Tell people you're here to see The Beatles, a fab new group out of Liverpool, and mention how excited you are to see them perform.

Claim that Edgar Allen Poe could kick William Shakespeare's ass, but admit that James Joyce could beat them both to be a good sport about it.

Suggest that England go to war with Germany again. Say, "C'mon, we're two for two, let's make it a triple."

Ask strangers directions in poor, broken Spanish. Act like you don't understand English.

Ask to meet the King. When told that England has a Queen, just laugh and shake your head.

Tell people you really wanted to go to France for vacation, but it was all booked up.

John Owen Skinner