12-01-04

It seems I have started my own trend by sharing some of my various humiliating experiences on Smith and Pooter, so why stop? What I am about to share is a very personal experience, one I hope to never go through again. I feel comfortable now sharing this with all of you, and you better not make fun of me. If you do? Karma has a funny way of biting you in the ass and making it happen to you.

Back in 2000 I had some health issues that were baffling to my doctor. Turns out the cause of my health problems were all due to our water source. But before this conclusion was formed, I was subjected to a brutal and terrifying experience. It was decided I must have a colonoscopy to rule out something more serious. Colonoscopy? Were they shitting me? No pun intended, but I thought this procedure was designed for old people. Apparently not, and I was to be the next victim. So hang on to your hats, I'm about to take you on a journey that you too, may have to endure one day.

Before having a colonoscopy, there are things you have to do to prepare your body. There are the obvious instructions to not eat or drink anything after midnight. Easy peasy. The day before the procedure is a fun day. You get to drink a very special concoction which they say helps clean you out. This cocktail is called "Go-Lytely" . The pharmacist was kind enough to tell me to start drinking it while sitting on the toilet and do not leave under any circumstances. This was an odd set of instructions, but frighteningly true. I grabbed my beverage, and off I went to consume my cocktail. I sat there drinking this disgusting clear fluid and wondered what was going to happen next. I had been on the toilet drinking this stuff for almost 15 minutes and nothing was happening. I get bored very easily and sitting in my bathroom smoking and drinking was getting old. I decided to leave the bathroom and go get on the computer. Big mistake. By the time I had made it out of the bathroom, I was running full speed to get back in. If you have ever watched the movie "Dumb and Dumber", the scene where Jeff Daniels is on the toilet, well that's a pretty darn good visual of what happened. I was not taking a lady like poop. I was having the most explosive diarrhea I had ever had. Whoever made Go-Lytely did a fine job of making you think you're gonna shit out of your ears. They also had a sick sense of humor. "Go-Lytely", are you kidding me?, "Go-Explosively" would have been a better choice. This stuff seriously cleans you out better than any Taco Bell Combo could ever dream to. It's like someone snuck a faucet up your asshole and decided to turn it on all the way. I sat there crapping like Jeff Daniels, staring at the half full container I had left to drink. Holy Freakin pooh pooh Batman! The more I drank, the more it gushed out. It felt like I was on that toilet for hours. By the time my body had flushed itself clean, I was exhausted. I literally collapsed into bed not even caring about what was to happen the next morning.

I woke up the next morning and got ready which was a miracle without consuming my morning caffeine. I planned to wake up and basically leave 10 minutes later. I would not give myself time to be tempted with coffee and nicotine.

Upon being checked in at the hospital, they asked if I had any allergies, to which I answered, "Only one, Valium and all Valium derivatives." I learned the hard way that I have an adverse reaction to Valium. It has the opposite effect on me. I totally freak out and running a marathon seems quite feasible and almost exciting. The nurse explained they were going to give me something called Vercet. Vercet is a medication that makes you relax, go to la la land, and supplies amnesia of any events to follow. This sounded good to me because I was terrified of my bum being invaded. Just as they were giving me the medicine, the doctor asked if I was OK. Medicine in effect, I remember slurring back to him.."Let's forget this shit and go have a steak dinner and a nice bottle of wine."

"Sounds good to me," I vaguely remember him saying. I have no recollection of anything else that happened. I have no clue why I chose that statement to be my last words, but I did. I never cuss in public and I said "shit."

The next thing I remember is being in the recovery room and asking when I was going to have the procedure done. I was then informed that I was all done. Wow, that wasn't bad. I didn't remember a thing. I noticed there were a lot of people in the recovery room with me and I wondered why they were there. All of a sudden I was ready to murder anyone for a sandwich. I was absolutely starving! The nurse came back and asked if I wanted anything. I asked nicely for a sandwich NOW. My husband commented that I sounded a little testy. Whatever, I was freaking hungry. I was also still really sleepy from the medication. Apparently I closed my eyes and had a full conversation with him. The nurse brought my sandwich and I devoured it, eyes closed. It was while I was eating my delicious sandwich that I heard a fart. Oh my God, did that come from me? My eyes opened as the trumpets began to play. My husband started laughing telling me to be quiet because people were looking. I could not control the flatulence. I had no control whatsoever. So I laid there eating my sandwich and farting.

The nurse came back and said I needed to drink apple juice and go to the bathroom before I could go. I smiled and farted some more. My husband asked if this was normal, and she explained that before they put the scope in, they blow my ass full of air and it has to come out sometime. I was starting to notice people looking at me while I effortlessly passed gas. I contemplated farting out jingle bells but decided it was time to go to the bathroom so I could go home. I didn't want an audience anymore. I got up and made my way to the bathroom which was down the hall. Apparently not only did I give the recovery room a fart show, but I left giving them a nice glimpse of my bare ass. I finally made my way to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. The farts seemed to echo freely in the bathroom and I knew my husband was right outside. I thought I had just whispered to him that I was going to have diarrhea again, but apparently I hollered that revelation so loud, everyone in the hallway could hear. I could not believe I was having another bout of the runs, how could there be anything left? I was getting really pissed off about the whole situation. Amazingly I finished using the toilet and was relieved that I could now go home.

Upon leaving the bathroom I told my husband how bad the diarrhea was. He said , "I know." What did he mean he knew? He explained that everyone in the vicinity could hear my butt blasting farts and the enormous shit session I had. Remember I never cuss in public, but I responded by yelling, "Fucking great....just FUCKING GREAT!!!" and I guess I cussed all the way to the dressing room. Again, this behavior was not typical of my normally dignified demeanor.

Shocking isn't it? Humiliating even. I don't know what Katie Courac was thinking when she let film camera's document her experience, but I bet they had to edit a lot.

Be prepared my friends should your doctor ever mention a colonoscopy to you. They do not give you a pamphlet explaining what I just did. You are now properly informed of what does happen and what could happen. I don't remember the whole experience, but I remember enough to know I am capable of farting and cussing like a redneck truck driver from Alabama. 'Tis the season to be jolly and giving, I hope I have done both here. Wishing you all Holiday Blessings, "Go-Lytely" my friends.